Photo by Bekky-Bekks
I was trying to distil what I had endured for the first half of my life and my autistic experience because the term ‘masking’ just doesn’t cut it for me. I started to armour up very early on in my life journey and developed extreme tolerance to injustice.
I know my neurodivergency has led me to seek logic and share an open heart. I have believed what people have shown me in terms of their personality, but I have been a victim of fraud; friends and lovers who said they were one thing but turned out to be something else, resulting in my emotional pain. We can lie to ourselves about who we are, too. I did, in some ways, at times, to get through certain situations, but never at the expense of others; always to my detriment. Now, after all that has happened and the revelations that have blessed my life, ie sobriety and my diagnosis, I have helped myself to be born again through the membrane that was a partly constructed, partly enforced, artificial life.
Almost everyone is masking; authenticity is rare, misunderstood, and undervalued. It reminds me of the Franz Kafka quote I saw recently,
"I was ashamed of myself when I realised life was a costume party, and I attended with my real face"
I believe that where we are all taught to keep schtum about how we feel, and this is damaging for all, and how we dress and present ourselves is just part of that masking. I am a chameleon-type personality and happy going with whatever flow I feel. For example, my accent can change, and my ‘look’ can be anything I choose; I’m not stuck in one expectation. These are just the superficial demonstrations of self that, for me, evolve moment to moment.
The conversation around autistic people is a contradiction. How can one be both masked and unfiltered at the same time? But of course we can. None of us is either one thing or another. We are a million different expressions all the time, and this should be encouraged at all times.
I am an ambivert, happy alone, and love others' company simultaneously. I have reviewed other personality studies and identified the ‘Sigma female’ profile. She is described as someone who doesn't conform to societal expectations and is comfortable with solitude, yet can also be a strong, resilient, and autonomous.”
It is great to feel seen when I read things that resonate with me, but I don’t hang my hat on it completely because none of us is a finished version of ourselves. Time, experience, and knowledge change us; this is life's glorious trip and adhering to all labels restricts growth.
Where things fall down is when judgment and stigma of others demoralise people’s spirits and ability to function. Some people end their lives not because they have a mental illness but because the world is a hostile place, which carries social sickness masked as the norm, and is too much for the sensitive to bear.
My patience, love, and desire to appease others have been a massive energy source. I believed that was what made me great. To keep demonstrating how to love even whilst being hurt. Always with the hope that my example would change the other person. Sometimes, I’ve switched off completely and entered survival mode, stopping myself from feeling love for myself so I can endure it. I did not understand I had the right to defend myself in those moments, yet I still believed in forgiveness.
Since my diagnosis of autism and the realisation of all I had been putting up with, I have worked on my spirit, have fortified my love, and am working on patience, but appeasing for an ‘easy’ life was a quality that left me a sitting duck for users and abusers. These relationships and experiences disabled me; it is not that I am disabled.
Anything that stops you from being you is an attempt at a disablement of the soul.
I have moulded myself to fit in, treated people with the respect they were not due, and even now, will not name, shame and ‘out’ abusers because I do not want the people around them to suffer due to my high empathy. As for the abuser themselves, they have to live with what they have done, and I believe that is a severe punishment enough, and I hope that pain will help them change their lives and heal them from the scandalising of themselves and those around them.
There aren’t any areas of life in which I have not seen abuses of power, disrespect, coercion, and lies. And let us get the word 'abused' straight. When people deny us our individual and natural views and instincts, it is abuse, pure and simple.
The education system is churning out abused children. Until we transform the system and encourage self-directed learning, the damage will continue to be done. The medical model is built on how we, as individuals, respond to childhood control as we grow into adulthood, and some clinicians go on to pathologise us even further.
As a neurodivergent person, and in more recent medical spaces, as soon as I say that I am autistic, how I am being spoken to changes. Suddenly, the assumption is that I'm not very bright, and people have even slowed down their speech and started drawing diagrams. I believe that health professionals have not caught up with the fact that neurodivergency has nothing to do with a lack of intellect. The sooner they wake up to this, the better.
Neurodivergent or not, people's freedom is quashed in workplaces, marriages, families, and everywhere. There are a few spaces where others do not pathologise or try to control others. This judgment and measure of intellect is a tool for mass coercion and, many times, based on the fear of the abuser and the desire to control.
For example, if I empower this person, they will leave me.
Abuse is when someone's freedom to be themselves, own their ideas, and move freely is limited. We are all part of the system that steals our individuality and attempts to mould and churn us into a version of ourselves, and has been highly successful in its longevity. Still, as the world opens up and people start to share their experiences, we begin to see the world differently and realise that behind the smiles lies great endurance. Sometimes, we are operating so outside of ourselves that we do not even know that our true nature has been incarcerated. A performance is at play—the ego.
There are people due to coercive control have the the idea that we have to put up with crap because ’thats life’. Well, it just is not so.
I believe people owning who they are is the key to happiness.
Language is hugely important, and the use of words is crucial. For example, people do not ‘have’ autism; instead, they “are” autistic. It’s a small word change with a massive impact for the better.
I have also witnessed that “I " is rarely used when people describe their experiences.
'We' do this, and 'we' do that, is bandied around, and it is not just couples who do that. Singular people do it, too. I always ask, whose ‘we”? It throws people.
I hardly ever hear ‘I’ in conversations, it's all, “We. We. We”, and sometimes “You”.
WE must use 'I’ so that people can understand that it is an individual's response to something, not the bottom line for all. Some people seem to want to fit in and not stand out, or even understand themselves. A perfect demonstration of why the role of the 'influencer' has increased is that people are looking for inspiration outside of themselves, prioritising allegiance to their idol over demonstrating allegiance to themselves.
Fraud is at play on instagram right now and everywhere, people pretending and adopting a persona and say anything and everything to sell you shit you do not need and worse giving people ‘fake’ hope. People are seemingly bouncing back from trauma and illness, all whilst emptying people's pockets and lining their own, which is hurting millions of people mentally and financially.
One has to be one's guide, or society is doomed to be sick, homogenised, defensive and weakened. I am finally living in the joy I have been seeking and finding. I am still processing old wounds. I’m 54; I've lived a full life, but with the ambition to live until I’m 100, I have further motivation and ambition to live well and long.
We are born with innate expansive, unique 'intelligence', but the ego of humankind, the desire to be king and the need for hierarchy through this lens is crippling many, therefore not fair or just or even productive for anyone.
Reform is necessary and straightforward to achieve. It needs people to wake up, listen first, love and prioritise what should be encouraged in our children, which is self awareness and self love and learn from them simultaneously, so that we can survive and thrive, share our authentic selves without judgement and fear, so extreme tolerance and carrying heavy burdens and morphing in to what is ‘accepted’ will become obsolete.
It is achievable, and it’s down to you.
Love always,
Melanie x
Resting - A Self Portrait - April 2025 : ))
Read
The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté
Illuminated by me
Hysterical by Dr Praya Agarwal
Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma by Amy Pearson & Kieren Rose
Watch
The Search for Instagram’s Worst Con Artist - Netflix
Bad Influence- The Dark Side of Kidfluencing - Netflix
The Highly Sensitive Child - Netflix
Con Mum - Netflix
‘Melanie Sykes Is’ YouTube videos - Be your own Muse& False Idols, Followers and Following